Bennett's first birthday has unearthed lots of emotions I had sequestered over the past few months. The first birthday is an emotional event for any baby, to be sure. Its no different for Bennett. Except for the first year wasn't full of all those wonderful magical memories we had during Carter's first year. Rather, it consisted of a total of 11 weeks hospitalization, an average of one doctor appointment every other week (sooo not kidding about that - imagine the co-pays!), 6.5 months on oxygen, 6.5 months of 8 daily meds, and 3 daily meds after that, worry, worry, and more worry over his failure to grow at an acceptable rate, worry about his bone development, motor skill, neurological development, 8 months of house-arrest in a vain attempt to keep him healthy. Those happy innocent memories - its yet another part of having a baby that we missed out on. And that makes me sad.
Things are definitely getting much better these days, particularly since we can take him out into the world now without paralyzing fear of him getting sick. Today, I took Bennett shopping with me at the Mall! He got a gift card for his birthday and I figured today was a great day to cash it in for some new duds. When I arrived at Janie & Jack, I was the only shopper there. I was taking my time debating between two choices. I never, literally NEVER, go shopping anymore, so I was enjoying it. As I was going through my antics, another couple came in pushing their sleeping baby in the stroller. The baby was bigger than Bennett. They seemed so happy. Giddy. Picking out clothes for their new baby. They were buying size 6-12 mos clothing - the same size I had in my hand for Bennett. The store clerk asked how old the baby was - 5 months. My heart dropped. A 5 month old is bigger than my one year old :( I said a quick prayer thanking God that this couple is blessed with such a healthy thriving child and (presumably) do not know the pain and struggle that comes with having a child with the challenges Bennett has. And then I thanked God for Bennett being as healthy and thriving as he IS!
Anyway, for some reason, telling people that Bennett is 1 is much more difficult for me than saying 11 months, for example. We all know what 1 year olds are *supposed* to look like. And its painfully clear that Bennett doesn't look like that. Or act like that. I try to not let it bother me; to remind myself that he really should only be 10 months old now. Yet, he doesn't even look like a 10 month old. If he were 6 months old right now, he would be 50th percentile for his weight. Its not so much that he's so small that bothers me - its that at a year old, all you have to do is look at him to know that he is behind. When he was born, there was so much emphasis put on "catching up by age 1." It became apparent pretty early on with the issues he was having that wouldn't happen. I guess I just didn't expect him to be so far behind still.
So, I guess the whole point is that unexpected emotional challenges still crop up for me time to time. Let's see if the "catch up by age 2" standard they've now revised to will stick. GROW BENNETT!!!!!
4 comments:
i am sorry you are going through the emotions that can be hard to handle and the facts that can be hard to face, but i'd love to pat you on the back and commend you and Ace and the family for what a wonderful job you have done in a year. His physical stature might not be mighty - but what you have gone through, what you have faced, lived and learned and what you have helped him through is enough to build him up to enormous porportions - big things come in small packages, and he is one big blessing and miracle wrapped in a tiny package - a visual reminder not of how little he is, but how amazing he is.
he's adorable, you guys are awesome, congratulations on a successful 1st year and i wish you many, many more years of catching up and celebrating how far he comes each year.
I concur with Lizzie! He has had so many challenges to overcome and B is taking each one and overcoming. He is a busy little boy and will "catch-up" in HIS own time! Both of you should be proud of the job you have done and are continuing to do! Your boys are so loved and cared for! I thank God each and every day for the miracles you all have brought into this world!
Yeah, its not that I"m not INCREDIBLY proud of him. I'm not disappointed in him in anyway. It's just a reminder of the struggles he's gone through that - in a mother's mind - he should have never even had to go through. He *should* have been born full term and perfectly healthy. That's *my* will, not God's. Its just difficult as a mother.
HUGE HUG chica!!! I know it hurts when you reflect on what Bennett should not have had to endure... It's ok to feel sad about that. I'm here for you and so very proud of you.
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