After Bennett was born, I joined several online message boards related to prematurity. This has been an amazing resource for me as I only know really 1 other person (my rock Linda!!!) who has been through an experience like ours. Today, someone posted about a topic I feel is not adequately addressed at all - the emtional recovery of preemie parents. I'm so glad that they did because I have often wondered if I'm the only one who feels this way, if I'm "normal," and how others deal with it.
Although post-traumatic stress disorder may be a little bit of a dramatic stretch, I do think what we preemie parents experience comes close. There are times when I think I'm "all better" and then the grief washes over me again. I know Ace doesn't necessarily feel this way, but he's an unemotional man ;) In some ways, its gotten "worse" as Bennett has gotten older. I guess while we were IN the experience, I was just in survival mode - doing what I needed to do to take care of Bennett and Carter and keep my world from falling apart - that I didn't get a chance to really FEEL the experience. These days, however, I have little "flashbacks" to those days and it really shakes me.
Last night, as I was putting Bennett back into his crib after his 11 pm feeding, I just stood there for a few minutes, holding him tight to me, and breathing him in. I didn't want to put him down. I was thinking about the time I walked into the NICU when Bennett was first on CPAP (so a little over a week old), and as I approached his pod (impeccable timing, eh?), I watched his heartrate fall and he stopped breathing, and the alarms went off blaring and his nurse leaped to his isolette grabbed the resuscitation "bag" thingie and pumped breaths into him to get him breathing again. I just froze, panicked. Usually, when they have an apnea episode, they start breathing again on their own, or with just a reminder tap. But not this time. He was fine once he was breathing again, but watching that happen is a memory that has forever seared fear and terror and renewed feelings of grief into my heart.
Another example is how emotional I get when looking back to pictures or videos of him on the ventilator. At the time, it didn't bother me. But now, I feel like my heart is being ripped out seeing my little baby like that. I am acutely aware that without this life-saving technology, he wouldn't have survived. No one ever wants to see their child like that.
So I wonder how long will I feel this way? How do I "deal" with these emotions? From listening to other mom's, it sounds like it never really does. So maybe the best I can do is learn how to acknowledge it and identify it? So that I just don't feel like I'm going out of my mind.
I found a great article called Ambiguous Loss that I think really helps to explain these feelings. We preemie parents have such a conflict of emotions - JOY pure JOY at the birth of our child and the fact that they survived. And yet, an amazing grief and sense of loss, but an unidentifiable loss. I invite you to read the article if you are interested - http://www.prematurity.org/baby/ambiguous.html
They call it the loss of a full term pregnancy, which I do think is part of it. I know to this day, I feel a certain amount of anger and grief that I lost 1/4 of my pregnancy, that I missed out on so many of the fun parts of the pregnancy, and of a "normal" birth. I still feel jealously or sadness when a friend has a normal pregnancy, birth, and healthy baby (yet, a whole new sense of joy for them as well!). But I think its more then just the pregnancy loss. Its also the trauma of watching your child go through the struggles of prematurity, of being completely separated from them for so long, of not being able to PARENT.
So the point of this? I think its important to talk about this. Its important to educate everyone of the fact that there is a huge amount of emotional suffering associated with having a child born under these circumstances. Heck, I think its important to educate the public on the crisis of prematurity in general! One in eight births in the United States is a premature baby. I do think I'm one step closer to becoming an activist! Maybe one day I can help another mom who is going through what I went through, so she doesn't feel alone. But it is important that we talk about this.
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3 comments:
This was an excellent post. You are right that more people need to be educated about preemie births and the after "effects." There is so much that the family goes through- it's imperative that you talk about it, which is why I am thankful for this post. I am always here for you chica.
Thanks Mel. I think so many people think that you should be "ok" because your baby ended up "ok." Very few people know how devastating the journey to "ok" can be. Bennett will grow up completely oblivious to the trauma (hopefully), but this is something that will haunt me forever.
it's true. i am not a preemie mommy, but i know that i have felt and still feel similar to what you are describing when it comes to people with addictions. you lose a part of life with them and watch them suffer, go into survival mode during the ordeal and then are supposed to be happy when they decide to get clean - but there is exactly what you said - an unidetifiable loss (it's 2:30am, i have no idea if i spelt that right)
and though they are two different situations, when i put a mommy spin on it, omg Chantelle, I couldn't imagine those feelings and then realting them to your child.
same goes for PPD (which i would like to become an activist for)... i had it severely and have feelings like these because of the few months that i lost with my daughter because i couldnt bond to her because of my mental state.
maybe the best word for it IS Post traumatic stress, maybe you were right in saying that.
but i'll say that i think you are on the right track to talking about it. again, i have no clue what exactly you are going through but in cases like this - using the post partum depression or dealing with someone with an addiction - you HAVE to talk it out. you have to identify with the feelings. embracing them and realizing them can help new growth in you mentally and growth as B's mommy. and, just like you said.... when you were going THROUGH it, you were in survival mode.... and you are still surviving this - you just need to start recovering and healing and talking and crying and remembering and teaching will only help you.
lol, i just got home from the emergency animal hospitalwith jeremy, bailee and the dog..... it's 3:00am and we got there at 8:00pm.... lol so i am a bit talkative so sorry for the long rant, but i think you are doing awesome and think everyone can use some support, so there was mine :)
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