I will be honest with you all. I have had a VERY very very difficult time emotionally dealing with all we've been through with my pregnancy and Bennett's birth. I have experienced such a dichotomy of thinking. On the one hand, so incredibly thankful that I was able to continue carrying Bennett until 30 weeks, and that he didn't suffer some of the more severe consequences of prematurity like severe brain bleeds, cerebral palsy, blindess, permanent heart defects, etc. And then on the other hand, I feel so angry that this happened to my baby. I constantly ask God "why??" Particularly as we continue to struggle. I often feel like its unfair that Bennett has had more difficulty than the average 30-weeker. Yep, I'm the queen of the pity party :)
Well, God sent me a revelation this morning through the message of a T.V. evangelist, of all people! I had the news on while I was putzing around the house, and at some point, the news went off and a T.V. preacher came on. For some reason, I didn't turn the channel. I heard him saying "You are not too short..." - which caught my attention for some reason - I guess because I'm only 5'2''? Well, the message of his sermon was that what you/I perceive to be a disability, a bad hand, is actually an opportunity for God to show the world his goodness.
And then it clicked for me. It is so that God's mercy and goodness and love can be on display that Bennett was born premature. It is by the grace of God that Bennett made it to 30 weeks and survived. It is only because of God's goodness that he wasn't born at the cusp of viability at 24 weeks, and didn't suffer so many of the serious conditions that babies born that early often have. I guess I'm finally seeing what others see. That sure, he hasn't had an easy course, but look at what a miracle he is! He isn't even 6 months old yet, and despite suffering chronic lung disease, he is breathing all on his own! That despite having feeding and growing struggles, he is now nearly 12 lbs when at one point he was only 2.5 lbs! God IS healing him, and he is using Bennett to show us how great He is.
Now, you all may be thinking - wow, you just NOW realized this?? Well, sure I knew all of this intellectually, but for some reason, the anger and hurt in my heart prevailed. Something just clicked for me this morning. So, now, instead of feeling pity for myself and Bennett, for feeling angry and sad, I'm going to try to focus on how this is all just another example of God's greatness. And thank God for using us to show that to the world. And hopefully, some will be inspired and see this as well. Then it won't all be for naught.
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"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. ~Romans 8:28" With God there is no wasted moment- everything happens according to His plan and he will see you through everything. Keep your eyes on Him and on the positive. With God (who is love) all things prevail!!!
Melissa is right about God. He will strenghen Bennett and point you in the direction he wants you to go. You cannot allow the stress to overtake you. There are alot of positives here and you must build on them. I will be praying for all of you! Bennett will get through this!
It is NOT for naught. We all wish Bennett (and your family) didn't face such a tough road from the start--but please know that so many people have you in our thoughts and prayers, and see what a miracle Bennett is! We admire Bennett's strength--and know he gets it from his mom!! Think of it this way...diamonds get a pretty rough start in life, too...but look how beautiful they turn out!
This brought tears to my eyes. God bless your little boy, who is certainly here to teach all of us!
Elle, I'm so glad that you had this "revelation"...just for you. It takes a weight off, doesn't it? I've been dealing with some major struggles for the past few months, and as much as I have fought against them, just recently I realized that they are something God is allowing to be in my life...not something He is "doing" to me. And then I realized that He CHOSE me to have these struggles. Just like back when Micah was born...He CHOSE me to mother that little preemie. For whatever reason, He thought that I should be the one to face that particular trial...and WOW...what an honor that is...to think that God hand picked me to either teach me something to refine me and make me more useful to Him or to teach others something through me! I just wanted to share this with you since it has been fresh on my mind lately...but also something that I had to come to terms with after Micah was born as well. Many hugs to you!!!
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